[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.