Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Carpe DM
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)