Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.