You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”