I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I can’t stop laughing at this
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Basketball
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.