[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Well, this is awkward
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.