Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Owl Sanctuary
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”