Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.