Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
That’s incredible! 👌
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.