I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Gods work.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share