Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
reviewed some movies recently
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Ion see the issue
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.