When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
You Might Also Like
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.