It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
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I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.