Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Running from your problems is cardio .
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”