The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.