mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle