My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Lmaoo 😂
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge