it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda