I’m not wrong
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
If you need a laugh.. 😅
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
cyclists
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora