If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.