The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Still my favorite headline of all time:
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
me and who
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Rambo Rambow
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”