Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
You Might Also Like
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
That was easy.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.