Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Is this you?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
See..?
.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself