What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
How is it still this week?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.