saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
You Might Also Like
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Love this one 😂🧟
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?