The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.