I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Not today
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.