-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
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Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Well, shit
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
i was baptized in a car wash
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*