[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice