My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
This fish is cracking me up
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.