While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Note to self: always read the final line
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate