You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.