*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.