Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything