Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
You Might Also Like
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
They’re the worst 😩
Erm I’m gonna say no
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”