[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Doggies just call it style.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.