4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.