Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.