Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
whatcha thinkin bout
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
R.I.P.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.