before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
You Might Also Like
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*