insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.