Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
That’s easy for you to say
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?