IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
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[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
can’t talk my ride’s here
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.