I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
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I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.