Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.