It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Waiting for the Charmin
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”