A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.