Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.