I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.