We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.